Laugh and be Healthy

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

What did the girls think? Find out in Friday's issue of the eNN.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

So who won?

The women.

Seng by Janice Lee via email.

When did you last sharpen your axe?

Once upon a time, there was a very strong man. He asked for a job from
a timber merchant, and he got it. The pay was really good and so were
the work conditions. For that reason, the man was determined to do his
best. His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he is
supposed to work. The first day, he brought down 18 trees. The Boss was
very much impressed and said, "Congratulations Go on that way! Very
motivated by the words of the boss, he tried harder the next day, but
only could bring down 15 trees. The third day he tried even harder, but
he could only bring down 10 trees. Day after day he was bringing down
less and less trees. "I must be losing my strength", he thought to
himself. He went to the Boss and apologized, saying that he could not
understand what was going on. "When was the last time you sharpened
your axe?" the boss asked. "Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I
have been busy cutting trees.

The moral of this story:
Our lives are like that. We sometimes get so busy that we don't take
time to sharpen the axe. In today's world, it seems that everyone is
busier than ever, but less happy than ever. Why is that? Could it be
that we have forgotten how to stay sharp? There's nothing wrong with
activity and hard work. But we should not get so busy and neglect the
truly important things in life, like our personal life, taking time to
care for others, Taking time to read etc. We all need time to relax, to
think and meditate, to learn and grow. If you don't take the time to
sharpen the axe, we will become dull and lose our effectiveness. So,
start from today, think about the ways by which you could do your job
more effectively and add a lot of value to it. Hope this story has given
you some insight to life, may you be happy always!


Sent to me by Janice Lee via email

Thursday, June 15, 2006

An Old Story .....

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida, a little boy decided
to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to
dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes,
socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of
the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer
together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as
loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim
to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator
reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms
just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war
between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the
father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by,
heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on
his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his
flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he
would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great
scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not
from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are
unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are
because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been
there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants
to protect you and provide for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly
wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming
hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting
to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of
His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever
let you go.

Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can
be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her
life and what they are going through.

Never judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got them.
Also, it is so important that we are not selfish, to receive the blessings
of these messages, without forwarding them to someone else.

Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them, too
- enough to not let them go.

Forward by Elena Ho

Choo Choo Train :-)

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Use It or Lose It!

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies, "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I'll hear from you so make it fast."

The husband begins to tell his story . .

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so
defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that
she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought
her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night
that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the
poor thing, practically inhaled them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have
had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too
tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our
anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave
her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will
not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that
you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after
you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . ."The young woman was very grateful
to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned
around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Sent by my ex-customer of Rialto Italian Cuisine, Chin Shan.

Choo Choo :-)

Through the rapists' eyes

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here", "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER Spray and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands- the guy needed stitches.

Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts.You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was troubles.


Memorandum: How to Save Bankrupt Airlines

Replace all flight attendants with some good-lookin'

Why keep 'em, they don't even serve food anymore,
so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin.

And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the
airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Bill Clinton

Forwarded by Richard Lewinsky, USA

Thursday, June 08, 2006

What Do You See?





You saw a couple in an intimate pose, right?

Interestingly, research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such a scenario.

What they WILL see, however, is the nine dolphins in the picture!

So, I guess we've already proven you're not a young innocent child... now... If it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 6 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupt and you probably need help, you sicko!

Ok, here's help.... look at the space between her right arm and her head, the tail is on her neck, follow it up. look at her left hip, follow the shaded part down, it's another one, and on his shoulder..... see them now?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Installing Love

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm
ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
our current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but
it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override
Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem.
However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs
prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness.
Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have
been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -
Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up
to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart, Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and
running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be
sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

Class 2006 monitor

The above sent by my friend, Janice Lee.

Choo Choo Kam :-)

Friday, June 02, 2006


"Hello Colin, what are you doing riding around on that woman's bicycle?"

"Well it's a long story," replied Desmond. "I was on my way into town when
this lady pases me on a bicycle. She stops, waits for me to catch up, gives me
a kiss and then takes her clothes off!"

"You can have anything you want," she says, so I took the bicycle... Well I'm not a pervert, I don't wear women's clothes."


I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken to me for six months."

Bill thought about this for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find".

''Oh Tracy, I love you," he whispered. "Please tell me there's no one else in your life."

"Of course, there's no one else. Do you think I'd go to the cinema with you if there were someone else?" she replied.

If only the young man had been more sexually experienced! When she asked him if he fancied something from the Karma Sutra, he replied, "Thanks, but not for me. Indian food has me on the toilet all night."

A rather shy young man went along to the village dance and met up with a rather pretty girl His chat up lines were sadyly lacking, so in blind panic, he said the only thing he could think of.
"You're scottish, aren't you?"
"Ay, I am, how did ye know that?"
"It's the way you roll your R's."
"Oh no," she said. "It's these high-heeled shoes that do that."

"I love you very much," said the ardent young lover. "I may not have much money like my mate, Martin. I may not have a sports car or a cottage in the country like him. But I love you with all my heart and everything I have is yours."

"Very nice, she replied, preoccupied, "but just tell me a little more about Martin."

Overheard in a parked car down lovers lane:
"Suck, Beryl, suck.... blow is just a figure of speech."

He has such a bad memory that the only thing that stays in his head for more than 12 hours is a cold.
What are the signs of growing older?
At the beginning it is tri-weekly; then 20 years later, it is try weekly, but after 65 it is try weakly,