Laugh and be Healthy

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Killer

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York Police Precinct to report that his new American wife was planning to kill him.

The Copper on duty was intrigued by this and asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? I mean, did she threaten to kill you?"

"Nope," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Well, did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Then why in Christ's name did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"Hey man, what so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"


(Adapted from "Send it out Newsletter)

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Vet

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Taken from "Send It Out Newsletter"

Choo Choo :-)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

S-T-R-0-K-E !!

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters...S.T.R.

My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.. Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm , Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to iden tify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
T * Ask the person to TALK to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. .. . It is sunny out today).
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke. If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately!! and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

Email forward by my ex-customer of Rialto, Chin Shan


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDP A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Choo Choo :-)

Adapted from "Send It Out Newsletter"

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Jason's blog

Sometimes, when I have extra time, I would like to go into random blogs and when I do come across a good or interesting blog, I will recommend to readers.

Recently, I came across an excellent blog. Jason of http://jttphx.blogspot.com posts good photos and pictures. I have posted one of his illustration of photos "Nature Truly HaS A Sense of Humour". Look into Jason's blog and be enriched.

Choo Choo Train :-)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Nature Truly Has A Sense Of Humour

This weeks post of photos are a tasty series of those delicious fruits and vegetables that we all should have part of our balanced diet. Mother Nature sure has a sense of humor at times. Enjoy.


Please Note: These are actual photos- no digital enhancements here kiddies ;)










Saturday, May 13, 2006

I D TEN T ERROR

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran over my face.
"An ID Ten T Error?

What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(Scroll Down when you are ready ... )







I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Better Be Safe than Sorry

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I
think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon
returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is
very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she
sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns
back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum
is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since
she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and
Starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you
give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your
dad was a pharmacist".

Joke sent by ex-customer of Rialto, Soh Yah.

Choo Choo Train :-)

Laugh and Be Full of Joy

SUNDAY:PALM
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE"

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED,
"WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD,IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... ;"I REMEMBER."

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,"THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU.


The above sent by Janice M.K. Lee via email.

Choo Choo Train :-)

Saturday, May 06, 2006

The origin of Christianity

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I have converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend.

"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian.

What shall I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian."

Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished praying, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel........."

Sent by Richard Tam, via email.

Gan Chau :-)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Prince Charles and the Corgi

Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his car and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla," and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's have another look at that dog."

posted by Clog

Monday, May 01, 2006

Differences

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

From an email sent by a friend, Lily Lim.

Choo Choo Train :-)