Have a Blonde One

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? - -
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Sent to me via email by my buddy from
the States, Dr. Richard Tam

Two Months Overdue

In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma comes homes one night,
and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a
month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone
call from DEB (Delhi
Electric Board) because the electricity bill has
not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?

"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our
files!" says the DEB guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your
files....HOW????

"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's
overdue"

"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I
have to inform you
are overdue.
I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about
this tonight. He will
speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the call,
and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that
my wife is one month overdue? "What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.

"Just calm down, "says the lady at the reception
at DEB, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but
to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband
asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a
candle!"

Sent via email by Freddie Cang


> >

Four Women in Discussion

Even if you didn't grow up a Catholic, you'll appreciate this one......

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,discussing how
important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a
priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him "Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down,
but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your
Eminence".

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.

Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh! My God!"

(Adapted from Send It Out Newsletter).

The Importance of Honesty

ONE DAY, WHEN A SEAMSTRESS WAS SEWING WHILE SITTING CLOSE TO A RIVER,
HER THIMBLE FELL INTO THE RIVER.
WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD APPEARED AND ASKED, "MY DEAR CHILD,
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED THAT HER THIMBLE HAD FALLEN INTO THE WATER AND
THAT SHE NEEDED IT TO HELP HER HUSBAND IN MAKING A LIVING FOR THEIR
FAMILY.
THE LORD DIPPED HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND PULLED UP A GOLDEN
THIMBLE SET WITH PEARLS. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD AGAIN DIPPED INTO THE RIVER. HE HELD OUT A SILVER THIMBLE
RINGED WITH SAPPHIRES. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED AGAIN, THE
SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD REACHED DOWN AGAIN AND CAME UP WITH A LEATHER THIMBLE.
"IS THIS Y OUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "YES."
THE LORD WAS PLEASED WITH THE WOMAN'S HONESTY AND GAVE HER ALL THREE
THIMBLES TO KEEP, AND THE SEAMSTRESS WENT HOME HAPPY.
SOME YEARS LATER, THE SEAMSTRESS WAS WALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ALONG THE
RIVERBANK, AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DISAPPEARED UNDER
THE WATER.
WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD AGAIN APPEARED AND ASKED HER, "WHY ARE YOU

CRYING?"
"OH LORD, MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"
THE LORD WENT DOWN INTO THE WATER AN! D CAME U P WITH GEORGE CLOONEY .
"IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" THE LORD ASKED.
"YES," CRIED THE SEAMSTRESS.
THE LORD WAS FURIOUS. "YOU LIED! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "OH, FORGIVE ME, MY LORD. IT IS A
MISUNDERSTANDING. YOU SEE, IF I HAD SAID 'NO' TO GEORGE CLOONEY, YOU
WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH BRAD PITT. THEN IF I SAID 'NO' TO HIM, YOU WOULD
HAVE

COME UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HAD I THEN SAID 'YES,' YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME
ALL THREE.
LORD, I'M NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE
OF ALL THREE HUSBANDS, SO THAT'S WHY I SAID 'YES' TO GEORGE CLOONEY."
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN THE
BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.
THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT

_________________________________________________________________
Find love on MSN Personals http://personals.msn.com.sg/

Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!

Adapted from "Send It Out Newsletter".

There's A Durian For Everyone

In Penang, Malaysia, the best place to get good durian is in the town of Balik Pulau, on the southwest corner of Penang Island. Balik Pulau is a 30 minute drive over the main range and has a lot of durian estates.

D11
"Number Eleven" is a very popular durian in the 70's. It has creamy yellow flesh with a pleasant taste and a subtle smell.


D604
The D604 was first cultivated by the late Mr. Teh Hew Hong of Sungai Pinang, Balik Pulau. The flesh is quite sweet, and has some "body" to it as the seed is small.


D600
This durian originates in Sungai Pinang in Balik Pulau. The flesh has a bittersweet taste to it, with a touch of sourness. The one that I documented is a bit hard.


D700
The flesh is darker than D600, like chrome yellow. Also slightly hard. Crispy, but the smell is not very strong.


Ang Sim (Red Heart)
Ang Sim is a durian with flesh which is quite soft and very sweet, and dark yellow in colour. It also has a nice aroma.


Khun Poh
This durian takes the name of the late Mr Lau Khun Poh, who first budded it. Khun Poh has beautiful orangy flesh with a slightly bitter-sweet taste and a heavy aroma.


Hor Loh (Water Gourd Durian)
The flesh of the Hor Loh is very soft, dry and quite bitter. It has a sharp smell to it. Hor Loh was first cultivated at the Brown Estate of Sungai Ara. It got its name from its appearance resembling a "Hor Lor" pumpkin. If the durian hits the ground hard when it falls, the flesh tends to be bitter thereafter.


Ang Heh (Red Prawn Durian)
Ang Heh originates from Pondok Upeh, Balik Pulau, and has a round-shaped husk. The orange reddish flesh is highly aromatic, very soft with a bitter-sweet taste.


Xiao Hung (Little Red Durian)
Xiao Hung, whose name means "Little Red One," originates in Sungai Pinang, Balik Pulau. The flesh has a bittersweet taste to it, with a touch of sourness. The one that I tasted for this write-up is a bit hard. There are only one or two seeds per section, but the flesh is thick.


Yah Kang (Centipede Durian)
Yah Kang is one of my favourite durians. Although its flesh is whitish, the taste is superb, milky, like very sweet, melting chocolate. The name "yah kang" means centipede, and accounts for the number of centipedes found at the foot of the tree, hence giving it the rather unusual name.


Bak Eu (Pork Fat Durian)
Bak Eu has a slightly acidic aroma. The flesh is whitish while the taste is quite bitter but nice.

D17
D17 is dark cream flesh. The taste is slightly dry but sweet. It is a tasty durian.


Coupling
This durian is gets its unusual name because it looks like two durians joined together, one big and one small. When split open, you almost thought the two halves belong to two different durian. Coupling has whitish flesh which is slightly dry but tastes good.


Ooi Kyau (Tumeric Durian)
The name Ooi Kyau (tumeric) describes the colour of the bright yellow flesh of this durian. It is very sweet and tasty.


Chaer Phoy (Green Skin Durian)
Chaer Phoy is shaped like a small canteloupe. The skin is bright green, giving it the name which means "green skin". Chaer Phoy has creamy white flesh which is a bit dry, not too sweet but tasty.


Ang Jin (Red Yoke Durian)
As the name suggests, Ang Jin Durian has deep orange flesh. It is very sweet and tasty.


Lin Fong Jiau
This durian is named after Lin Fong Jiau, aka Mrs Jackie Chan. I wonder whether it is indicative of the relationship of the celebrity couple, for Lin Fong Jiau is a bittersweet

Plastic Surgery!

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants
her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the
breeze.


Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears."

Seng by ex-customer of Rialto Italian cuisine, Soh Yah.

What Would Others Think ....

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the
donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next
day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of
the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about
public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery and even shorten
your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. You'll be a lot
happier and live longer!

Sent by my friend from Sarawak, Lynn Lee